Tag: Funny

The Levels of Liking a Book

~ mariasjostrand ~ 6 Comments

For me there are eight levels of how much I like a book.

One. I can’t read it. I just can’t. I mean, I’ll try if I really have to, but after reading the same paragraph half a dozen times, I’m just going to give up and google my way to a summary. It’s so extraordinary bad that I just can’t read it. My brain goes on a strike as soon as I try. It’s figuratively holding up a small sign saying “What do we want? Entertainment. When do we want it? Now!”

Two. I don’t want to read it. This is the part where my brain and I are sitting at opposite sides of the negotiation table, trying to work something out. My brain is threatening to go on another strike, but I successfully calm her down by promising her entertainment right after this one last job. Sure, neither of us actually wants to read the book, but we’ll struggle our way through it. Teamwork. Continue reading “The Levels of Liking a Book” →

Irrationally Angry

~ mariasjostrand ~ 1 Comment

Warning: Includes cursing.

Okay, do you guys have something that pisses you off way more than it should?

And I can´t be things where it´s perfectly reasonable to be angry. It can´t be how you hate it when people lie, or when someone calls you ugly names. It´s reasonable to be angry when this happens.

I´m thinking about something that pisses you off, even when it really, really shouldn´t.

For me, it´s when people say that something taste like Christmas. Continue reading “Irrationally Angry” →

People Are Odd

~ mariasjostrand ~ 2 Comments

People are odd.

I mean, people are just really, undeniably incredibly odd.

Human beings are the odd-balls of the animal kingdom. I mean, it´s hard to argue against it when you look at the facts.

What other animal is going to say “ow” when they stump themselves, even if they´re not actually in pain? They just say in, just in case it might have hurt.

It´s adorable, but utterly pointless.

And no other animal has True Fiction. Ever heard about the term? It´s when they take something that´s a lie, and they all just agree that it´s the truth.

Continue reading “People Are Odd” →

Minute

~ mariasjostrand ~ 2 Comments

 

They say that a minute

In a lover’s embrace

Passes like a second

A heartbeat might outpace.

 

They say that a minute,

With your finger to the flame

Is like days and hours passing

As you’re only feeling pain.

 

I say now that a minute

Feels like many years combined

When on the phone you hear a voice

Saying you’re next in line.

 

 

Getting Dumped

~ mariasjostrand ~ 9 Comments

“We need to talk.”

Those four words could only mean two things, and as Nicolas knew for certain that his girlfriend had gotten her period only a few days earlier, she was definitely about to dump him.

Relief washed through him.

He’d been meaning to break it off with her for almost a week now, but they’d hardly spent any time alone together since he made the decision, and he could certainly not dump her in front of an audience. Now, however, it seemed like he didn’t have to dump her at all.

“Sure,” he said, striving to look appropriately glum. It felt like he was at the funeral of someone he hadn’t particularly cared for.

Continue reading “Getting Dumped” →

Hero

~ mariasjostrand ~ 2 Comments

He’d always assumed that if he ever got superpowers, he’d be a hero.

And he did become one. For years, actually. At least he tried to be, but people didn’t seem to be half as thankful as he thought that they ought.

No matter how many lives he saved, they always complained. He’d allowed one person to die, saving twenty other. Someone had been hurt when he’d carried them out of a burning building. The cost of the damages of his fights against crime was much too high.

Why couldn’t he fight evil without wrecking the town as he did so? He should look at the numbers, should he. Then he would realise how expensive it was to fix a town. Much more expensive than a funeral or two.

No matter what he did, people were always complaining.

And so he decided that there really wasn’t any point in being a hero.

No, he thought as he slowly put on the mask, relishing in the anonymity it gave him. Being a hero is overrated.

This way he didn’t have to worry about people getting angry, or breaking stuff. He could do all the stuff he wanted. He could have fun.

He could enjoy his abilities for the first time since he’d gotten them.

Yes, he thought. Being the villain is going to be so much more fun.

 

Harold Gets a Visitor

~ mariasjostrand ~ 6 Comments

A/N: Just a (hopefully) funny flash fiction 🙂

It was one of those instances where a gasp just wasn’t enough.

Still I gasped.

I suppose I should have screamed, looking back. A gasp seems oddly anticlimactic, but I’d never been the screaming sort anyway. That was more Darren’s kind of thing, but Darren wasn’t there.

And so I gasped, and they gasped, and for a few short seconds we could only stare at each other in silence.

Perhaps it was a good thing that I didn’t scream. When one got visitors, screaming hardly seemed polite, and these visitors had sure come a long way.

“Hello,” I said. Or at least I think I said it. I heard the word, and I rather thought I’d felt my mouth forming them.

“Hello,” one of them said in return, but it didn’t sound like a greeting. It sounded like he – she? It? – was merely repeating what I’d said. Tasting the word.

“I’m Harold,” I told them. “And would you mind terribly to get your spaceship out of my backyard? You’re ruining my petunias.”

A Meeting with Adonis – Oh, and George Too

~ mariasjostrand ~ 5 Comments

A/N: Not quite sure how I feel about this story, so please let me know what you think! 

Enjoy!

Heart beating wildly, Hannah smiled at the incredible handsome man who’d just walked into the book store. An Adonis thrown into the midst of her normal world of complaining customers and delayed orders.

“May I help you?” she asked.

He shrugged, turning intensely blue eyes towards her. “I’m looking for a book for class,” he told her.

“Then I guess you’ve come to the right place,” Hannah joked.

The man frowned. “It’s for my English class,” he said. “We’re supposed to read a classic or whatever.”

“Of course. Do you have a preferred author?”

“No, it’s supposed to be a classic. Like old, you know?”

Continue reading “A Meeting with Adonis – Oh, and George Too” →

Specialising in the Supernatural

~ mariasjostrand ~ 14 Comments

A/N: This piece was actually written in collaboration with Emma Bertelsen, and it is an extract from a longer novel. Or at least the extract from an idea of a novel 😉

Daniel awoke with a pounding head and a dry throat. His left arm was asleep, caused by the man currently resting his head on it. Jacob was it?

He was still asleep, thank God, and Daniel tried to remember when they’d gotten back to his apartment.

Slowly pulling his arm back, he held his breath as Jacob only reacted by rolling over in his sleep and mumbling something intelligible. Sitting up, Daniel reached over to the night stand to get the two aspirins lying there. Next to the pills lay a small bag of pixie dust that was easily hidden away in the drawer. As an extra precaution he made sure to lock it. It’d cost him a pretty sum, and Daniel was in no mood to come up with a lie to explain the shimmering powder to his current bed partner.

He should probably go through his apartment before Jacob woke up. Make sure it was completely magic-free. What a bother.

Continue reading “Specialising in the Supernatural” →

Damned Sundays

~ mariasjostrand ~ 50 Comments

Sundays were meant for relaxing. Not for having panic attacks.

Clara had used to love Sundays. She would stay in her pyjamas the entire day, watching television and eating chocolate. She loved Sundays. Or at least she’d used to.

Then she’d decided to become a wedding planner, and Sunday had become the day of her nightmares.

Friday and Saturday were quite awful too, but for some reason Sunday had been the day that Clara had the hardest time giving up. Suddenly Sundays weren’t for hot chocolate and long baths, but rather for listening to complaints and working as hard as ever. Tuesday was her most relaxed day of the week, but it just wasn’t the same. She missed her Sundays, and this particular Sunday was particularly stressful.

It was in the middle of a very prestigious wedding party for a very demanding, but very wealthy couple, and Clara couldn’t wait until she no longer needed to hear the bride’s shrill voice yell at her. The entire day had been one little problem after another, and it was first now that Clara felt safe enough to take a deep breath and relax.

Continue reading “Damned Sundays” →